The Algorithm That Thinks It Knows You

Google Maps is a genuine technological marvel. It can route you around a traffic jam in real time, tell you the busiest hour at your local post office, and navigate you across an unfamiliar country with calm confidence. And yet. And yet. Sometimes it suggests things with such conviction that you have to stop and wonder what it's actually been paying attention to.

Exhibits in Evidence

The "Nearby" Restaurant That Is a 40-Minute Drive Away

You search for a quick bite near your current location. Maps presents you with a list. The top result has four-and-a-half stars and looks amazing. You click it. Estimated drive time: 43 minutes. In what universe is this "nearby"? Maps' universe, apparently — a place where geography is more of a suggestion than a rule.

The Business That Closed Before the Internet Existed

You pull up a listing. It has a phone number, an address, opening hours. You call. The number is disconnected. You visit. It's a laundromat now. It's been a laundromat for eleven years. Maps still has the original business listed as "Open." Nobody update this. Nobody will.

The "Users Also Searched For" Suggestions

You search for a hardware store. Maps helpfully suggests you might also be interested in: a day spa, a petting zoo, and a Romanian Orthodox church. The algorithm has drawn some conclusions about you. They are wrong. And also, somehow, a little bit right?

The Route That Knows a Shortcut

Maps recalculates. It has found a faster route, saving you four minutes. The route involves a road that is technically a road in the same way that a hiking trail is technically a road. You follow it anyway because you trust the blue line. You shouldn't trust the blue line.

A Brief Timeline of Maps Confidence

  1. 2005: Google Maps launches. Users are amazed it exists at all.
  2. 2010: Street View arrives. Privacy advocates worry. Everyone else uses it to look at their childhood home.
  3. 2015: Maps starts suggesting restaurants. It is occasionally correct.
  4. 2020: Maps adds COVID-19 business hours. Nobody updates their COVID-19 business hours.
  5. Today: Maps confidently guides you to a "parking lot" that is now a children's playground. It is not sorry.

In Its Defense

Here's the thing: despite all of this, Google Maps is still the first app most of us open when we need to get somewhere. We forgive its confident wrongness because when it's right, it's very right. It's the friend who gives surprisingly bad advice sometimes but is always up to help, always available, and generally means well.

We wouldn't trade it. We'd just appreciate an apology about that 43-minute restaurant.

Final Verdict

Google Maps is a 9/10 product that occasionally behaves like it's running on vibes and old forum posts. Which, given that some of its business data comes from user contributions, it sort of is. Use it. Love it. And always, always double-check the hours before you drive across town for brunch.